Friday, August 1, 2008

Observation of the Single Woman Fear vs. Strength

Ok so you all got my thoughts a rolling with all your commentary (BTW that was supposed to be a funny blog - but it seems to have struck a nerve of frustration..sorry about that).

Before we begin - keep in mind a few things 1) I am not a psychologist 2) I am man so I can't completely relate and 3) these are my observations & opinions. So they are open to debate. So with that said lets start.

In the last couple of weeks I have heard A LOT of women say that they are choosing to remain "single" in an effort to avoid a lot of the BS that we men are bringing to the table. They are fed up with broken promises, childish games, and carnal behaviors blurred into interpretations of affection.

At the same time I hear these women sound very confident and say they feel that they are "stronger" because they are single. Somehow because they have chosen to avoid all of the drama/frustrations of dating or being with men - this has given them piece of mind and places them above those that choose to engage time & time again only to come up empty handed - where is the logic in that right?

Well a long time ago someone said the earth was flat too....

My point being that success comes with plenty of failure but more importantly - steps of faith. Simply avoiding a problem does not indicate strength - it may indicate a good eye for trouble or even a low tolerance for it. But that's doesn't NECESSARILY make you stronger as a person. An argument could be made that a person thats been through more trials may actually come out stronger in the end.

Don't get me wrong - I hear you about seeing your girlfriends constantly date the wrong guy - making all the same mistakes over and over again. I get it. But that isn't always because of a lack of strength - I would say its mostly a lack of good judgment. The problem doesn't lie in their desire to be in a relationship - but to get into each and every one the same way..doing the same things and expecting a different result. Thats poor judgment overall.

Think about this... it requires strength to be IN a relationship -especially a good one. It takes strength to keep it a good relationship and to work at...well making it work. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn't make them some sort of sell out. It doesn't mean that they have compromised themselves. Its very possible they have both found and are cultivating something that makes them VERY happy.

Now on the flip - a person that is "mentally" weak - will probably be in a relationship and do the very things that you are talking about. Breaking down, accepting mental or physical abuse. accepting being unhappy vs. being "single". But these people would probably have this kind of problem in other areas - not just in their relationship.

Bottom line - The very same women that I hear profess at the top of their lungs that they are single and happy also complain that what keeps them there is a lack of options, or just too complicated dating scene overall . Well isn't that the same as saying if conditions were better then you would date more? And if that is true doesn't that mean somewhere in there you still desire that companionship? Well?

If there is one long shot in the world its the whole "love at first sight" thing. I saw my fiance for the first time back in 1991 - we didn't know we were in love until 2006.

Matter of fact - scratch that - we didn't even fall in love until 2006. There was a 15 year gap in there where were just seeing each other in passing. 15 YEARS! People - and a lot of you are cranking that bio clock up after a few weeks. Slow down - but be active.

Don't be a couch complainer. If we had been sitting back waiting for Mr./Mrs. right to walk up with a T-shirt and a resume or for the general dating pool to Step their game up (had to get that in there) - then we would probably be in the same "well we used to kick-it" boat that so many singles up in.

If the intent to being single is to avoid involvement - your end result will be being alone. Get out there and shuffle it up a bit. Don't be stupid about it.. use good judgment - avoid the crazy dudes - and lose the losers. But get out there just the same. If it doesn't work out that's cool - he is not the one (and if you believe in that that also means you know that there will be A LOT of "not the ones" - so just accept it. ) Try not to take it personal and move on

1 comment:

Phillice Aigner said...

Ok welcome to the blogspot world!

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Ok Ok! Enough of the free commercial!

First of all I love you and Aliah's relationship. It inspires me and makes me want to be a better person to get a love like yalls(tear slowly falls). IN THE MAKING* Shot out to my Craigy!:)

Anyway, know that 75% of the women who say that they choose to be single is "FLAT FACE" lying! I date being single by non choice to a couple of things.

1. Carrying the same baggage over to another relationship that you were hurt in. We have to learn to give ourselves time to heal and understand who we are before we proceed into something else.

2. Knowing your worth and value. Don't talk it be about it. Understanding that what we accept from someone is going to follow you through the relationship. Ex.) If you don't want to date someone with kids. Then don't flat out! Comprimising is fine but sometimes the things you comprimise are deal breakers!

3. Our past (Fatherless households) can affect our future. Come into terms on how you judge me and understand what is right and what is not. Let's take me for example. I was fed a bunch of broken promises by my good ole dad all of my life. It would hurt me and I would feel as if I wasn't good enough for him to keep his promises. I felt this way for a very long time. I would make excuses for him. I noticed the relationships that I had in the past and noticed most of those relationships mirrored the emotional relationship I had with my father. I had to get counceling for that shit(not PG-13). Yeah I said counseling to understand what was going on and how to gain some control on how I handeled situations. I have done alot of praying and still have along way to go but identifying why I was single and what mistakes was I making on picking the men in my life, and keeping the "good ones".

Ok I am stealing this and adding this on my blog entry.

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Love ya,